The venerable David Schnarch, Ph.D. (author of Intimacy and Desire) applied the phrase "two-choice dilemma" in the context of intimate relationships as a way of conceptualizing a primary area of concern for couples who are experiencing "issues" in their relationship, particularly around sex. As an example, many of us can imagine the two-choice dilemma inherent in the spouse who is cheating, but also wishes to stay in their relationship. The spouse wants two things at once: to have an affair and to maintain a marriage (or avoid the pain inherent in ending it). As Schnarch highlights in The Passionate Marriage, the spouse is saying "I want this other person AND I want you". The problem is the spouse cannot have both, or cannot have both for very long and will ultimately need to account for engaging in the affair (possibly leading to another two-choice dilemma: I want to fix my marriage but I don't want to change!).
the two choice dilemma gives us a good way to view many of life's "Problems"
While the two-choice dilemma has obvious footing in the context of couples and marriages, I feel the two-choice dilemma gives us a good way to view many of life's "problems" and how they contribute to our daily trials. For those struggling with substance use, the dilemma may be: "I don't want to use, but I also don't want to feel so terrible". For someone in the depths of depression: "I want to push myself socially, but I also want to feel safe". In these examples we see what is ultimately a choice between the lesser of two evils. The problem, particularly with these common dilemmas, is the greater evil (the higher anxiety choice) is often the one which will ultimately benefit us the most and the lesser evil is the more familiar, unthreatening choice.
Two-choice dilemmas highlight the area in which we can make the most growth
Why bring this up? I have found in my life and in my work with others that the two-choice dilemma, and the inherent confrontation with anxiety it entails, often highlights the area in which we can make the most growth. If you find yourself in the midst of a decision which feels challenging, take it as an opportunity to ask an important question: "Which choice will ULTIMATELY benefit me the most?"
The most difficult decisions often Bring great benefit
Of course, the more difficult decisions in life are the ones which take more time, and are not quickly rewarded. It would be convenient if every time we challenged ourselves we were quickly given the positive benefits, and motivation along with, in order to be propelled forward in a burst of productivity and progress. With this in mind, it may be best to remind ourselves to take comfort in the struggle of the storm because, when it passes, we will be rewarded with clear skies, smooth seas, and bolstered capability and confidence.
For further reading about David Schnarch and the two-choice dilemma, check out my resources page.
